


The Castiel is NOT Amused Chronicles

by EvalonKnights



Category: Supernatural
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-29
Updated: 2017-06-29
Packaged: 2018-11-21 06:11:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 3,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11351505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EvalonKnights/pseuds/EvalonKnights
Summary: Various drabbles where Dean harasses Castiel in various ways.This has enjoyed a bit of success on Fanfiction.net, so I'm hoping you guys like it here, too.Rated T for drug use and alcohol use, as well as the general harassment of everyone's favorite angel.





	1. Part I: A Business Proposition

Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural, but I am a Minion….

He scowled at the infuriating man before him. How in God's name did he come up with such a ridiculous idea, and did he really expect it to work? This was very unlike his friend, and the way he was smiling was starting to creep him out.

"It won't work, Dean," Castiel said firmly.

Dean's smile widened, "Why not? Everybody needs one, and the name is pretty catchy. We could make millions."

Castiel looked at the insane hunter standing in front of him, and began to rethink pulling him out of Hell. Maybe it would have been safer for them if he spent more time…..What was he kidding? If he'd have left Dean down there any longer the boy would be even crazier.

Castiel sighed, "There is no way this would work, and I would never agree to such an insane endeavor!"

Dean looked at his angelic friend for a long moment, trying to maintain a serious attitude. If he could have his way, it would have worked! It would have just needed some proper management, and a good mascot. Damn, if only they didn't travel so much…

"Fine, Cas, you win. But admit it! It would have worked," Dean smirked.

Castiel scowled.

Dean's smirk got worse, "It would have been perfect for the IRS…and tax accountants…."

Castiel growled, "Dean don't go there."

Dean laughed, "The Celestial Dry Cleaners…Making everyday feel like Heaven!"

"I'll put you back in Hell," Cas snarled, "I am not amused."

THE END


	2. Part II: A New Nickname

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean gives Cas a new nickname, and Cas just isn't having it.

Part II: A New Nickname

"What did you call me?"

Castiel frowned at the grinning mortal before him, trying to figure out why he'd been called that ridiculous name. Ever since the dry cleaning incident, Dean had started coming up with new names for him and new business ideas, and the whole thing was starting to drive him absolutely crazy! Castiel sighed, hoping that the whole thing would blow over, but the man seemed insistent on making him want to scream.

Dean tried very hard not laugh. He did, but the angel was just too much fun. This was his latest attempt to get the celestial agent to crack, and it was slowly starting to work.

Dean smiled calmly, "I think the name fits."

"No," Cas said firmly.

Dean looked innocent, "But your looks fit the name. Think about it. I know the ladies love it."

Cas sighed, "Is that all you ever think about?"

"No, I think of food too."

Cas looked flustered as the man continued to calmly down his whiskey, and for once, Cas considered drinking himself. The man was going to land him in an asylum, and it wasn't a good thing. Castiel took several deep breaths, and tried to let the emotions go. He couldn't let Dean win.

Castiel looked at Dean, "I don't like the name."

Dean smiled, "Why not? I think the name Scruffy works."

"I am seriously beginning to rethink accepting this assignment," Castiel snarled, "I am definately NOT amused."


	3. Part III: Dean's Second Bad Idea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Dean takes Cas out for a night of fun. Sort of.

Part III: Dean's Second Bad Idea…

"You want me to WHAT?!"

Castiel sat across from Dean, a look of slight confusion, and disbelief on his face. The man was starting to lose his mind, and, privately, Cas thought he was drunk. There was no way he would agree to that form of humiliation.

Dean smiled, "Come on, Cas. It's fun. I'll even do it."

"Why do you want me to do this?"

"Because," Dean smiled, "It would be amusing."

Castiel looked around the dumpy tavern, feeling more than a little bit unsure. He could, if he really wanted to; but the question remained. Did he really want to? It had the potential to embarrass him, or possibly get him some fans…After all, being the Angel of Thursday wasn't the best position in the garrison.

Dean smiled. The usually uptight celestial being was beginning to contemplate this new idea! Personally, Dean would never have done it. Seriously, who would embarrass themselves like that?

"You go first, Dean," Castiel said.

Dean groaned inwardly, "Ok."

Castiel watched as the man performed the strange deed that was being held in contention. It was humiliating! There was no way he was going to do it now, especially if it required one to make a fool out of themselves.

"Your turn, Cas," Dean said.

Cas frowned, "No. I am not going to humiliate myself like that."

"You said you would, asshat," Dean scowled.

Castiel shook his head, "There is no way I'm doing this."

Dean spoke slowly, "I already picked the song."

"I don't care. This karaoke thing is not amusing in any way whatsoever! And there is no way I am going to sing Man I Feel Like A Woman," Cas snapped.

"Damn, it would have been funny."

"Do you want to reproduce?"

"Yes."

"Shut up."


	4. Part IV: Castiel's New Experience

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Castiel has a learning experience. (To be fair, this was before I knew God was missing from Heaven, so bear with the inaccuracy.)

Part IV: An Amused Dean

"Purple people pluck pink peppers from perpetually pitiful plants."

Dean blinked, "What did you just say?"

"Rings roll randomly round riddled ranches."

Dean rubbed his eyes, "Um…Cas are you ok?"

Dean was shaking his head, and was trying to figure out what the poor celestial agent was trying to say. He had to find what was wrong before someone found him in this bizarre state. Then he saw it, and smiled.

"This is just too good."

"Silver snakes sneak stealthily so scream silently stupid."

Dean chuckled, "Where is my camera?"

It became even better when Castiel began trying to dance a jig while singing Dirty Deeds by AC/DC. This would make for a very hilarious youtube video. Dean sat back, and began taping until the angel disappeared and went to heaven.

In Heaven…

"Um…sir?"

"YES MY CHILD?"

The other angel's lip twitched, "Castiel is making "cloud angels"."

"WHAT?"

"He's making cloud angels."

Sure enough, Castiel was laying in a cloud making "cloud angels" while singing In The Arms Of The Angels. Angels had gathered around their friend, and tried to fight the inevitable urge to laugh. Then, Castiel disappeared back to the motel room.

Back at the motel….

"Hm…well, he's asleep so I guess I can relax now….The funny thing is, he won't remember a single thing."

The Next Day….

"I was what?"

Dean laughed, "Yep. Do you want to see the video?"

"No."

Castiel shook his head, trying to dispel the headache raging through his skull. Whatever had happened it resulted in a massive headache coupled with nausea. It was becoming a massive problem.

He sat down slowly, and in front of the air conditioner. Just as his headache was starting to go away, he was poof-ed up to Heaven. Around him were sniggering angels, and a bemused God.

"CASTIEL, BECAUSE OF LAST NIGHT I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A NEW RULE HERE. REGARDING YOUR ACTIONS FROM YESTERDAY….THERE IS NOW A P.U.I. CHARGE."

Castiel cocked his head to one side, "P.U.I?"

"POOFING UNDER THE INFLUENCE. TO ENACT IT NOW, YOUR PUNISHMENT IS CLEANING UP THE LITTER AROUND HEAVEN. TOMORROW."

Embarrassed, Castiel poof-ed back to the motel, and sunk down onto the couch. Watching him was a bemused Dean Winchester, who was also trying not to laugh. He needed a holiday from the overly jovial hunter.

"I was drunk?"

Dean smirked, "Plastered."

"I made cloud angels, and now I have to clean up the litter in Heaven."

"There's litter in Heaven?"

Cas sighed, "There apparently will be tomorrow. I cannot figure out why you mortals would do that to yourselves."

"You were funny, my inebriated friend."

"This is NOT amusing."


	5. Part V: Fanfiction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Dean introduces Cas to the world of fanfiction, and the very twisted minds of some of the authors. (No hate, I am just as twisted in my own way.)

Part V: The Wonders of Supernatural Fanfiction.

Castiel stared at the computer screen in shock, his eyes widening as he read on. True that it was beautifully written, but…the contents…were…horrific to say the least! Worse yet, he was sure Dean was standing behind him trying not to laugh at his reaction.

"Who writes this stuff?!"

Dean's lips twitched, "Fans do."

"But WHY?!"

Dean chuckled quietly, "I have no idea."

He wanted to look away, but he couldn't! It was too heinous, too disgusting that he had to continue reading just to see where the whole thing was going. If he ever found out where the person lived, he planned to smash the computer. This was too much.

Dean watched as Cas continued to delve deeper into the story before him, and continued to get more and more perturbed. He had actually found it after dealing with Chuck and the comic books, and it had the same effect the first time. Still, it was even more amusing to watch the angel become mentally disturbed.

Dean arched an eyebrow, "Are you done?"

"There are two more chapters…"

"Cas," Dean said smiling, "Maybe you should stop. It gets worse."

"How can it get worse?"

"You make an appearance."

"So?"

Dean hung his head, "Trust me…you don't want to know what happens."

Of course he didn't listen and continued to read the story. When he reached the last three paragraphs, he froze in his seat. He could understand what he was reading, but it just wasn't making a connection. Well, until Dean smacked him.

"OW," Dean winced.

"THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN!!"

"Calm down, Cas," Dean laughed, "It's just a story."

"BUT THEY HAVE ME...AND A DEMON....NEVER!!"

"That is why it is called SLASH," Dean said.

Suddenly, Dean was faced with a destroyed computer, a frantic angel, and the dread that Sam would be back soon to see the computer. Dean couldn't help it. He fell over laughing when Castiel sat down, eyes wide.

"I am NOT amused, Dean," Cas said, "That was just plain wrong. I do NOT approve of this."


	6. Part VI: Castiel's First Movie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Dean picks a movie.

Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural or American Psycho or Christian Bale.

Part VI: Castiel's First Movie

"What was that?!"

Dean smiled, "A beautiful movie."

"BEAUTIFUL?! Dean…that man just…and the girls…. Did it all happen or was it a delusion?"

Dean watched as the angel got more irate and confused. He had been wanting to watch the movie, and Castiel had insisted on watching it as well. Dean had warned him that it was confusing and immoral, but the celestial dumbass refused to listen.

"I warned you. I told you that you wouldn't like it."

Castiel looked at the man, "YOU SAID THAT IT WAS A GOOD MOVIE!"

"And it is. It's just confusing, and, in your words, immoral."

Castiel couldn't believe him. Why did mortals like this kind of thing? Men having sex with prostitutes then killing them…well, he did have to admit…the man was creative with his methods. The ax job was particularly interesting since he had been thinking of different ways of killing Dean.

Dean watched his angelic babysitter with amusement, trying not to laugh. He knew that he'd just given the angel ideas, and scarred him beyond repair. The fact was, that Dean was still laughing inside.

Cas looked at Dean, "Why do you do these things to me?"

"Because I can."

"I am starting to really regret taking this assignment."

"Are you? You don't like being my babysitter?"

"Dean. I swear if you make me watch something like that again I will smite you."

"Then you'll be in really big trouble with your boss."

Cas scowled, "Dean. I am NOT amused by this. This movie…"

"American Psycho," Dean finished for him.

"And that man…Christian Bale? WHY WOULD THEY DO THIS KIND OF THING?"

"Because it made a good movie."

"Mortals confuse me. This is by no means amusing."


	7. Part VII: Name Calling is Not Nice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Dean calls Cas a name.

Part VII: Name Calling is NOT Nice

"What did you just say?"

Castiel glared darkly at the arrogant man before him, his mouth pulled into a deep frown. How dare he call him such a demeaning thing! It wasn't true of course, but the meanness of it was astonishing.

Dean sighed as the celestial babysitter glared at him, trying to keep from punching him. It was true! The guy was Heaven's epic fail of eternity! How Cas had managed to survive for so long was beyond him.

"Cas, it's true. Hell, Ana had to save your ass before Uriel could kill you."

Castiel looked away, "I was having a bad day."

"Do I need to count down all the times you had your ass handed to you? Please, you need to admit it."

Castiel arched an eyebrow, "Why admit something that isn't true?"

"This is the worst case of denial I have ever seen."

Castiel sat down on the plush couch of the motel, trying to ignore Dean's hurtful words. It couldn't be true. His eyes stared straight ahead, reflecting on past fights. Scowling. Dean WAS right…but he wasn't going to admit it.

Dean watched his friend with a mixed feeling of concern and amusement. The angel's face had gone from denial to complete disgust for his past failures. Suddenly, he had an idea. He'd teach the sentient being to fight!

"Cas…do you want to learn to fight…"

Cas cut him off, "Yes."

Several hours later….

Dean and Cas were both laying on the floor, bruised, and sore from a long day of sparring. Dean's hand was bloody from punching Cas, and Cas was nursing his happy place. Neither knew what to say, until Dean saw how Cas was laying.

"Sore?"

Cas groaned, "That was a low blow."

"Sometimes you have to fight dirty."

"Seriously Dean. Was it necessary to call me that though," Cas asked.

"I was pissed, and amused that an angel can get beaten so often. Didn't you ever learn to fight?"

"No…Dean the next time you call me a wimp…I will smite you."


	8. Part VIII: THE Horror Movie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Dean picks another movie.

Part VIII: Castiel and THE Horror Movie

Castiel just sat there, stunned. His eyes stared straight ahead as the movie replayed in his no longer pure mind. Beside him was Dean, his companion, and Dean was laughing…hard.

Dean had never seen such a reaction from a harmless movie, but it was worth it. Castiel was sitting in shock from the various disturbing scenes, and Dean knew that the angel was slowly losing his innocence. It was only a matter of time before the sentient being snapped. Dean just hoped that he was out of the area when it happened.

"Dean….WHY?!"

Dean snorted, "Because it's a good movie. C'mon Cas, you know you like it."

"IT WAS DISTURBING!"

"It was funny…like your reaction."

Castiel glared at the mortal sitting beside him, and began thinking of the many ways he could smite the man. The animosity he'd always felt had never been this strong, and now he wanted to kill the boy. How did they expect him to withstand such torture?

Dean smiled weakly at the suddenly irate Castiel, and inched away. There was no way he was going to let himself get killed by the celestial babysitter. He was beginning to think that maybe he'd pushed the angel a bit too far….Then he laughed more.

"Dean," Castiel said quietly, menacingly, "I am not amused. At all."

"I can see that…Don't hurt me…"

Castiel looked calmly at the man, "Who said I'd hurt you, Dean?"

With that, the angel disappeared from the room, trying not to kill his charge. Dean sat on the couch, looking scared, and Sam sat behind him on the laptop.

"Dean," Sam said, "I'd watch my back if I were you. I think that the angel is going crazy."

"I don't understand why, though. It was a perfectly good movie."

Sam stared in disbelief, "Dean, you made him watch The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Any angel would go insane after that."

"Doesn't mean that it isn't a good movie."

"All I'm saying, Dean, is that you'd better be careful."


	9. Part IX: Affection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Dean is overly affectionate.

Part VIV: Castiel is Shown Affection…Sort of

He didn't understand it. The man was not acting like his normal self, and had just done something that thoroughly confused the poor angel. He didn't know exactly what to call it, and he didn't really want to approach the human on the subject lest he try it again.

Dean smiled dumbly at Cas, and Sam sat off to the side, laughing hysterically. Between Dean's idiocy, and Cas's perturbed, and sometimes horrified looks…Sam just couldn't keep a straight face. He saw the plaintive look on the sentient being's face and he just lost it.

"Sam," he asked calmly, "Why are you laughing? This isn't funny."

"Yes it is…" Sam said between laughs.

"Why?"

Sam saw the confusion and sighed, "Because I've never seen Dean like this, and your facial expressions are beyond amusing."

Castiel hid as Dean continued to act like a moron, and Sam continued to laugh. This particular situation was intolerable at best, deplorable at worst. He wasn't quite sure how long Dean could keep this up, but it seemed like it could last awhile.

Later, Cas was sitting on the couch with Sam sitting at the table in the kitchen portion of the motel room. Dean was laying passed out on the floor right in front of the bathroom door, spread eagle. Needless to say, it was very awkward for a moment.

"Sam," Cas asked, "What was it that Dean did to me?"

Sam chuckled, "He HUGGED you, Cas. It's usually a show of affection between lovers, friends, family… Or something a guy does when he's high off of pot, and doesn't know what the hell he's doing."

Cas frowned, "It was strange. Sam….If he ever goes to do that again…tell him I'll smite him."

Sam chuckled, "There are a lot of things you want to smite him for."

"He is NOT amusing, Sam."


	10. Part X: Stress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Dean sends Cas on R&R, and Crowley makes an appearance.

Disclaimer: I do not, and never will, own Supernatural.

I'll Take the Stress, Thank You

Cas stared at Dean, frowning, again. Had he lost any sense he may have been spared? How could he possibly think this was a good idea? Sure, he was stressed lately, but dealing with Metatron wasn't quite a walk in the park, and Abaddon wasn't a lightweight, either. Be that as it may, what on earth possessed Dean to do this?

"You need to relax."

"I am fine, Dean."

Dean snorted. "You're stressed."

" I will be fine."

"You're going."

That was the discussion that had preceded Dean driving Cas to the strange building he now stood before, and leaving. Well, it wasn't like he could leave now, so with a distinct feeling of apprehension, the Angel of Thursday walked through the sliding doors. At least Dean had not left him with the bill.

Castiel was unhappy. He usually was when Dean pulled one of his many hijinks. Not surprisingly, and probably not for the last time, this…adventure, if one could call it that, was no exception. Rubbing his shoulder, he sat on the bench outside of the infernal building, waiting for the man who insisted on tormenting him. His only comfort, was that Crowley was not there to witness any of what had happened.

After about ten minutes of waiting, the familiar Impala pulled up to the curb, with a smirking Dean Winchester in the driver's seat. Were it not for the fact that he didn't have his Grace at the moment, he would have struck the man down where he sat. As it was, that wasn't an option either, and he had to content himself with a moody silence for the entire ride back to the motel.

"What did you do this time, Dean?"

"He was stressed…so I sent him out for the day for some R&R."

Sam arched an eyebrow from behind his new laptop. "Looks like he's more pissed than relaxed."

"I have to say, Squirrel. That was quite an amusing show."

Cas groaned internally. Naturally Crowley had to have seen everything.

"Dean…what did you do to Cas?"

"He took me to a spa."

Sam fought desperately to keep the smile off his face. "A spa? You?"

"Yes. He scheduled me for something called a…massage? And a full body wrap."

Dean was cackling in the background while Crowley smirked, and Sam was doing everything not to laugh. Try as he might, Sam just couldn't picture the austere angel getting a massage let alone a full body wrap.

"Dean," Cas growled. "Do not ever do that again. It was…embarrassing."

"Having a hot girl give you a massage?"

Crowley lost it. "It wasn't a girl."

Sam excused himself to go pick up rock salt, even though they had more than enough, and Dean fell over laughing hysterically.

"Do that again, and I will send you back to Hell the hard way when I get my Grace back. I am NOT amused."


End file.
